- October 15, 2014
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The Last Hurrah
In a way this is a relief. They reacted how I had thought they would.
Rejection is painful, but not unexpected...
I feel very lucky to have gotten Jessica a good gift before I my likely death. Fred has gotten one as well.
I am always impressed by Irenic's brilliance of strategy, the idea of returning to be an eye on the inside... It had never occured to me! Though I think the plan would be flawed, in that it would require my turning in the club before I could return and I can't bring myself to...
And I imagine my first stop on returning to Paradise would be Illabrat. I know it would probably feel a need to repair me, and I have no assurances of what might be left intact... I've no assurance that I could help them, if my memory might be entirely replaced... I think of that route, not as a coward's route, but as the selfish one. At least one demon would have to sacrifice themselves to allow me to complete my orders and be saved. Probably more than one...
Imagining a return to the warm comforting atmosphere we all miss... It would ask too much of them for results I couldn't promise.
Lia has been a great comfort, and is the only friend I feel I can truely still count on and be honest with. I hate to have her in danger alongside me, but she has the right to make this choice. It fills me with a great sense of determination, even when I'm terrified to face what's next, I know that no matter what happens, she will stand by me. It reminds me of why I wanted to do this. To keep them safe from Seraph Shuhaza.
I doubt that I'll see the club again, and likely my shop, I'm doing my best to say goodbye to that as well. I'll be facing this soon, and while I hope Lia doesn't get caught up in the fray, it feels truely amazing to have her support.
I couldn't easily tell what Blackburn felt when she found out, but as best I could see, they were understandably angry with me. I didn't intend for them to be implicated at all, hopefully it will work out well for them. I feel awful if I caused them any hardship... But ultimately they both said little. I told the truth, and if they don't believe me or are angry I'm afraid I have no better path or way to fix this. They will find their way to something. They are capable.
Irenic even seems to be invested in trying to contact paradise... Well. I wish him luck. In my own experience, pity for my fallenness, even my mask of falleness, is overwhelmed by the sense of disgust and betrayal. I'm sorry he'll probably have to find that out for himself.
If I do succeed, I'm very hopeful that Caleb may be convinced to allow me back by giving good information and Lia backing me up. I'll even offer to be an errand boy for awhile. It's certainly something I'd be used to...